You know, over the years, I’ve tried to move this whole “blog” thing away from personal ramblings. I don’t want to be just another one of those blogs where people just vent about their personal lives into the atmosphere that is the internet. In fact, I’ve even kind of grown to hate the word “blog” in general. But, I guess, at times it’s nice. It’s nice to be able to just put things out there. Maybe it’s nice because it’s safe. Maybe it’s nice because it doesn’t have to be directed at a specific person. I’m not exactly sure what makes it nice (bad/lame word choice), but it really can be. So here I go…

Last night I sent an email to a very good friend of mine (Jeremy), a person that I care a lot about, and, while typing that email, I actually had a revelation of my own. Of course, I shared it, but it kind of really hit home right in that moment. And it is this:

It’s hard to be away from the people that you care about, whether it be a mile or two thousand miles. When you truly love someone, distance can be hard. But at the same time, that love is what makes the distance bearable. That love is what makes the distance worthwhile. I’ve been all over the world and I tend to move around a lot, so I know what it’s like being extremely distant (physically) from the people that I care about. And at times, it’s extremely difficult, extremely painful. It took me a long time, however, to realize that I carry these people with me everywhere that I go (especially those that truly get me - those that I truly love and truly believe love me back in the same way). And with me, this number is fairly small, smaller than most.

That fact alone makes goodbyes and distance extremely hard; I love these people so much that it hurts at times. But, I carry these people in my heart everywhere I go. And I’m speaking literally. I can feel them there - each with their own special place. When I’m away, I can still talk to them (in my head. I can hear and see their reactions to things. I can truly experience things with them. It may sound ridiculous and far-fetched, but I’m being serious. It’s not exactly like having them physically there because that would be so much better and much more ideal, but it’s better than thinking about the physical distance between us. It’s much less painful. And this is in everyday life, not just huge across the world travel adventures.

I’ll give a personal example (the example I sent in the email to J). Example: There are times when I’m walking around, and I notice the most mundane things, and I just think it’s so incredibly beautiful in whatever obscure way that I see beauty, and, in that moment, it blows me away, and in that instant, my heart smiles (for lack of a better description) at this beauty - whatever it may be. And I think to myself, “Man, if Jeremy were only here to see this. HE would appreciate this moment like I do (like very few people would).” And I KNOW it. I absolutely KNOW he would appreciate it the way I do. And although he isn’t physically there in that moment, I thought about HIM (of all the billions of people in the world, HIM, specifically)… and he’s there. He’s really there. He’s there because in that moment, I KNEW that he would enjoy being there too.

How often does a confidence like that roll around in life? It’s very rare. So much in life is just floating through the breeze, unexplained and incredibly confusing, but him being there is almost more real than many, many things, simply because of that confidence. This is a confidence that doesn’t exist much in life and can ONLY exist through understanding, an understanding that comes with knowing, loving, feeling, and connecting. This is a confidence that can only exist through true friendship. And THAT makes the distance bearable. That small instance makes long distance relationships possible. That small instance makes not being with a loved one one hundred percent of the day possible. And honestly, it makes it worth it - incredibly worth it. Some of those moments I wouldn’t trade for the tangible ones. They’re solid… and comforting… and real. I really wouldn’t trade them for the world.

I know at times I can be closed off. And I know that I probably don’t express the way I feel as much as I should (because it’s scary and all that). I tell these people that I love them, and I try to show them that I love them, but sometimes it doesn’t feel like enough. I’m pretty sure there is absolutely nothing I could do for the people I love in the world that would really make them understand how I feel about them. But, I wish I could. Because when you’re in this heart… man. I can’t even explain. It’s intense.

I think ee cummings puts it very nicely (and much better than I ever could):

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
                                                 i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)